The Transformative Year

Today on NPR, I heard a story of a woman who found out her son was terminally ill. At 9 months old he was diagnosed with Tay-Sachs desease. She told of her reaction to the news that her son would surely pass away... She mentioned how she was faced with the realization that her parenting would be so different than other's experiences because immediately she was no longer parenting for a future; she was parenting for a finite life of a child who had barely began to live. This realization hit her hard because, especially in today's society, traditional parenting is so focused on the future and planning for a lifetime right from the start.

She said that first year was the most transformative year of her life, and that through dealing with her son's desease she was able to learn to live in the moment and cherish what she had in front of her. The gifts of every day. Her son, by just living as baby's do, made her look at the world in a different light. When you no longer are making plans for a future, but simply being grateful for living another day with love...

I am thinking of this last line, and how it rings true for me as well... I am thinking about how loosing everything or preparing to loose everything can make your eyes and heart open wider than they ever have before. I am also thinking about how a lot of truly transformative experiences lead to this realization: of just seeing what is in front of you for what it is... and living/loving life with an open heart.

oh me oh my

So, here I am a birthday girl... ages since I last posted in this blog... I got to thinking it has been a while when a good friend of friend graciously asked me to post again... apparently people actually read this from time to time. I love the idea of journaling, but just like most ideas... most of the time they float away from you without something to stick them down... and although I have plenty of things floating through my head from day to day, none of them have been interesting enough (or impersonal enough) to share with the masses... or I've just been a bit lazy... hmmm :)

So, I have had a lot of the usual questioning of life and love going on in the old noggin for over a year now, but that has been behind the scenes for me most part because this year I have been focusing on living in the moment and simplifying as best as possible. I started reflecting on what this year has been like the other day, and it has been like no other... For one: I have been dreaming fantastic. Yes, somehow I have been bitten by some sort of muse (I know his name, do you?) (with a sly smile) and my dreams have exploded in detail, color, light, imagery, words, feelings... it's truly amazing... and amazing even more, when I did not have this love in my life for nearly two months this fall, my dreams were quiet. Very still. I don't know what to make of it... but I am going to try my damnedest to cultivate the place within myself where these dreams come from... Perhaps the muse is myself? I sure hope so, as it is a lot easier to count on yourself than someone else... (and that is a whole'nother can of worms that could be opened for discussion... I won't go there now though)...

This feeling where my creativity and dream life arises... this feeling of hope and love and security and adventure and unconditional, unwavering goodness... I have been thinking a lot this year about this intangible feeling that just feels so rooted. It's almost akin to faith... or patience. Something like that... whatever it is, it settles me and completely sets me free. A most wonderful balance that has been a catalyst to really great things in my life and the most wonderfully happy and healthy attitude toward existing. I finally have grasped the concept of patience...

Now here I go turning 30 again... (my birthday is like groundhog's day... every year I have a potluck, cook pulled pork for my friends, and from this year on I will keep turning 30 until I completely forget how old I am and laugh at the number).... Oddly enough a large part of my dreams last night dealt with me learning to be more like a Buddha... I know, right! I think it's hilarious... I was in some sort of Buddha training and I was being exposed to all aspects... even how to do my hair like a buddha.... ha! Except the way it said to do my hair was more like a braided Geisha pigtail do... BUT I was also training to learn the subtle mysteries of the Buddha nature and it was snowing heaps in the dream!... pretty good dream to wake up to on your birthday!!

So, this blog may turn into a dream journal... we'll see... It will be nice to start writing again...

Cheers!